My Immortal, My Commentary
by I'minLoveWithACriminal
Summary: The infamous My Immortal fanfic has become known as the worst fanfic ever. Several people have made commentarys with their thoughts on it. Now its my turn. WARNING: You will lose ALOT of brain cells after you read what this girl has done to Harry Potter.
1. Chapter 1

A/N Hello Potterheads! My name is Claudia aka I'mInLoveWithACriminal. This is only my second story. I have a Hunger Games story up and I will be posting an Alice in Wonderland fanfics soon. Ok enough with the introduction. It's time for the torture.

This is a commentary of a fanfics that most users know about. A fanfic so horrid that the original story was taken down because of haters. A fanfic that makes Rebecca Black look like….. well a really good singer. A fanfic that is the description of trolling. A fanfic that is the known as the worst fanfic ever.

My Immortal.

Hopefully you enjoy my messed up little commentary on this horrible story. Enjoy!

Warning: YOU WILL LOSE BRAIN CELLS!

AN: Special fangz **Fangz? **(get it, coz Im goffik **No I don't**) 2 my gf (ew not in that way **I wasn't thinking that way till you mentioned it**) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling **Yeah, from the looks of it, she isn't really helping you. Like at all**. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! **You can keep Beiber; you'll make a good couple ;)** MCR ROX! **Don't you dare throw them into this nonsense. **

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way **Your parents must have REALLY hated you **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) **So you had hair when you were born **with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back **Gothic emo!** and icy blue eyes like limpid tears **Limpid? **and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here! **That's like me saying if you don't know who Crispin Glover is then you should go the hell away from this. P.S Crispin Glover, for those who don't know, is George McFly from Back to the Future. Yes THAT George McFly**). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. **WOW you want to be related to someone you probably want to bang. She sounds stable** I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **TWILIGHT VAMPIRE!**. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). **Tara didn't read the books apparently cause Hogwarts is in SCOTLAND!** I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell **We knew**) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. **I do to but I'm not goth, I'm a rocker chick.** For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. **Don't care.** I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. **Goooottthhhiiiccc eeeemmmoooo!** I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. **I've never seen rain and snow together. And unless there are clouds then there will be sun.** A lot of preps stared at me. **We're all staring at you and how horrid your story is.** I put up my middle finger at them. **And I fight back with Rebecca Black bitch! Take that!**

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy! **Oh god.**

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **DRACO's NOT SHY! **

But then, I heard my friends **Ha, friends. Yeah right** call me and I had to go away. **We all want to go away after this**

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz! **Its thanks. Maybe even thxs if your that text savvy. But I guess that's too preppy for you huh?**

A/N One I'm not making fun of emo's I promise. I'm emotionally damaged so I know what it feels like. Two I'm not trying to bully Tara. I hate her for killing HP for me, but I'm against bullying. And three, I'm trying not to offend anyone. If I do, give me some hate. I can take it.

Review and Alert please!

*Claudia*


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Ok I'm back. Hopefully someone reads this. I feel very lonely over here. PLEASE REVIEW!

Ok here's chapter 2. Enjoy the torture.

AN: Fangz **Again with the fangz. Some of us aren't vampires or goths** 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! **Still not convinced she's helping you. More like sabotage** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok! **There is no rule on doing a commentary on this ;)**

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. **Great :P **I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. **Well this isn't a good sign** My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet **Prep color!** with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. **Isn't that a muggle band?** Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, **WHAT THE FUCK IS A PENTAGRAM?** combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. **God me and Ebony have something in common. We like messy buns**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) **Oh great you're throwing HER into this** woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes **Now I found a similarity with me a Willow: we both look like that**. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. **Still don't care Tara **We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) **Every goth's usual makeup**

"OMFG ***cough* preppy slang *cough***, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing. **Vampires don't blush**

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall. **She really needs to read the books**

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. **Flirtily? Raven really isn't helping you with this story**

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. **OMG Muggle band in Hogmeade? Is this a dream? No, sadly this is a nightmare.**

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **If I hear MCR on more time I'm going to die and go to Fanfiction hell**

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked. **Say no! Draco's too good 4 u!**

I gasped.

A/N Well that was fun. Review and Alert please!

*Claudia*


	3. Chapter 3

A/N Ok I'm back. Thanks to the 19 people who decided to read this. I would hug you all if I knew who you were.

Ok, here's the Good Charlotte chapter. It involves a lot of foreshadowing, cursing, sexual mentions, and meanness on my part. Enjoy!

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize **What?** fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! **Which is what 3 people **FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. **Let the torture begin!**

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. **STILL DON'T CARE! **I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. **How can you do that if it's long? **I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. **Whoa there. Did the nutjob vampire just have a suicide moment? **I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding **Vampires don't bleed. *queue the "The More You Know" star banner*** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. ***cough* gothic emo *cough* **Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. **Then why did you put it on earlier? **I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert. **I feel bad for the human who got killed just so this bitch could drink it.**

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. **That thief! He stole the Weasley's car!** He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), **WHY! Why did she throw THEM into this!** baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!). **No, a lot of gay guys where eyeliner. I should know, about 5 of my best guy friends are gay and wear eyeliner.**

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice. **The exclamation mark makes it sound like she's happy, but then the whole in a depressed voice thing happens. And I think to myself WHAT THE BUCK?**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked **Climbed** into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. **It's too bad she dint put rode or else I would have said "That's not all he rides ;)"** On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. **DON'T DO DRUGS! Well, unless your Ebony and you're a FREAKING NUTCASE! **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). **Then don't put lyrics into your goddamn story!**

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. **That is the most normal thing in this story, since Joel is hot and has an amazing voice.**

Suddenly Draco looked sad. **Yeah cause he's with you and not a girl with an awesome personailty**

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. **Yeah, that he doesn't like you for your "wonderful" personality. He likes you cause he doesn't have Vampire anymore**

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said. **Well guess what , HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU CHRISTY LEE CRACKER!**

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. **Eew**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." **This is why I like Hilary even more.** I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. **She isn't ugly she's gorgeous**

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **Not butterbeer? **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. **And they said NO like the awesome people they are.** We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into... the Forbidden Forest! **OMG the forbidden forest! I wonder what's going to happen now. Oh I know, the weirdest effing sex EVER!**

A/N So is ANYONE ever going to review this? I better cross my fingers. Review and alert please!

*Claudia*


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Hello. Hopefully you aren't all dead from the number of brain cells you have lost.

Here it is. The most awkward sex scene I the history of my Fanfiction reading. Enjoy!

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY **Ebony's name is Enoby? Even more for me to make fun of** nut mary su OK! M**ary Sue is Ebony. She has no flaws and is a totally dumb OC** DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! **He just wants sex like every other boy!** dey nu eechodder b4 ok! **I don't understand anything in that sentence besides b4 ok!**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?" **Doing what every boy wants to do with their chick**

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. **If their still in the air, then hopefully Enoby dies since I'm sick of this story**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **WHAT THE FUCK?**

And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. **No.** Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. **Draco don't you dare.** He took of my top and I took of his clothes. **don't you fucking dare!** I even took of my bra. **NOOOO!**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. **God she needs to go into sex ed again.**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. **Mix in some auto tune and that is what Ke$ha sounds like during sex** I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. **I haven't had sex, but I don't think THAT'S supposed to happen** And then...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was...Dumbledore! **Thank you Dumbledore. You just made my day. Even though that was completely OOC**

A/N God that is awkward. It's worst than any other smutfic out there I garuntee that. Review and alert please!

*Claudia*


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Well I'm back. It's been a bad couple months. I have one review and one alert for this story which isn't very positive. My boyfriend dumped me for some bitch named Hope (who happily got dumped 3 days later, but he now is dating a slut named Mia.) And now apparently my idol is now a lesbian. On the plus side, I now have a new boyfriend (love you Trev!) and I learned my long time, extremely older actor crush, who I mentioned in a past chapter) is single, so I HAVE A CHANCE!

Anyways, here's the new chapter for the worst story ever. Enjoy if you can!

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! **Well then I'm a flaming poser. **Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache ok **Then take a fuckinh Tylenol!** an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **Yeah, cause it was Ebony and Draco that's why** PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! **So that will be in… NEVER!**

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. **Dumbledore made what?** He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. **Luda in the house!**

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. **VAMPIRES DON'T HAVE BLOOD!** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice. **Bow chicka wow wow. Wanky**

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall. **That's the most IC thing in the story**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" **Tara, I hate you for what you're doing to poor Draco**

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." **REALLY? No detention, no suspension, no nothing?**

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. **God she needs to stop describing everything** When I came out... **Of the closet**

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "I just wanna live" by Good Charlotte. **How did he get in there? **I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there. **No fucking duh **We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room. **Reluctantly. That's because he probably wanted to murder you IN YOUR SLEEP!**

A/N Not even the fact that my crush is single is going to make me enjoy doing this. Okay I'm going to be doing this for the next hour and a half so enjoy my randomness Geek81. Bye.

*Claudia*


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Ok, I'm back for another chapter. Fun fun fun :P Enjoy.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! **Shjt? Is that gothic for shit or shut?** PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **#Not HAPPENING!**

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. **I'm not even going to say it. **I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **How about dyed because you would die from the fumes of spray paint. Wait, that's not a bad idea…**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal **My least favorite cereal ever **with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. **What other colors of blood are there? **Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top. **HA!**

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **Wait a second.** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down **That's what she said** his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore **NO!** and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. **Oh fuck! **He had a manly stubble on his chin. **Please let this be gothic Darren Criss **He had a sexy English accent. **NO!** He looked exactly like Joel Madden. **Dammit!** He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection **Girl boner! **only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **Yeah, and Rick Perry supports the gays.**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice. **I hate you Tara. I hate you so fucking much**

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter **!**, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **I call you the bottom **

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **Hey! We should date! I love blood 2!**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered. **No she's trolling you dude.**

"Yeah." I roared. **Anger much**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **A surprise? Hopefully it's a gun or a Justin Bieber CD so you can kill that bitch**

A/N Well, I'm gonna go snort some Rocket candies. Maybe that will make me happier. Bye!

*Claudia*


	7. Chapter 7

A/N

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **Who are the fucking nutjobs that **

**did that?**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **Tin Tin?** STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! **DO YOU THINK I CARE? **Evony isn't a Marie Sue **It's Mary Sue and stop naming your own character something different each time you write** ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **And that makes her an imperfect person how? **n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **I'm depressed too. I don't flaunt my depressing thoughts to the world. Ok not usually **

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. **Bitch needs to stop describing every single fucking thing** I was wearing red Satanist sings **WTF are sings?** on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). **Yes. Make her have a not repulsing personality with real girl problems and we can talk later** I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **Yeah because you waved at him** I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. **YEAH FUCKING RIGHT! Ha ha!** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then... **THEN!**

We started frenching passively **I have no idea what that is supposed to mean **and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. **And when he saw her naked he threw up and left** He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra **Let me guess, your boobs were hurting like hell from that leather bra** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **He put his penis into your penis?** and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **Very**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **You had sex with him before and moments ago you were making out with him. How couldn't you NOT notice it** It was a black heart with an arrow through it. **Great. Now I need to go get some rubbing alcohol to get this stupid temporary tattoo off **On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire! **VAMPIRE! Oh, my…..**

I was so angry. **I would be too. I would after he explained what it means**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed. **It's jumping off of the bed, not out. I think**

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. **Let him explain Ebony **But I knew too much. **So I'll take that as a no?**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!" **Ok that was harsh and stereotypical. Not all gay or bi people have AIDs. I should know, I'm bi and I don't have it**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. **Ok then. Wanky? **He had a really big you-know-what **No I don't know what your talking about** but I was too mad to care. **You were too mad to look at his magic wand. Wow she must be PISSED!** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people. **You don't even mention who they are, nice girl**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled. **He's actually a Draco fucker.**

A/N


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